Lizard Bits
by Grape-Juice
Summary: Malfoy and his two friends NOT Crabbe and Goyle are having some adventures. Er... Rated PG for mild language. It's a grand, silly ride. Wooooooo! There is scheming! There is jello! OMB! Read.
1. Cosette and Robin

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything related to it. Sniffle SOOOOO I've said and you can't sue me. Err... Yeah.

BTW- this is my first fanfic I've ever posted. Anywhere. Ever. So uh, please be gentle with your reviews. curtseys Err.... ONWARD!

"Gawd, I HATE losing to Potter..." Grumbled Draco Malfoy, throwing his broom down in the Slytherin locker room. "I CAN'T STAND HIM!"

Marcus Flint, captain of the Slytherin team ambled slowly over. "Dun worry about it, Malfoy. We'll get back at them later..." He said in his slow voice.

Malfoy chucked his arm guards at Flint's face, his eyebrow twitching slightly. "YOUR TEAM SUCKS! WHY CAN'T ALL OF YOU BE AS TALENTED AS ME?! My father will be hearing about this... I HATE YOU ALL! squeaky sob I mean... GRRRR!"

With that he stomped out of the room, leaving the rest of his bumbling team to stare after him in bewilderment. He looked up, his gray eyes glinting in the sunlight. He had grown a lot in the past year, and he was now very tall. His blond hair was as meticulous as ever, slightly spiky and shiny. He muttered to himself, as there was no one else around for him to complain to.

His two cronies, Crabbe and Goyle had been recently blown up in a horrible explosion. Harry Potter, the sound of that boy's name made Malfoy sick. Harry Potter had fed Crabbe and Goyle some of the Weasley's Skiving Snackbox treats and they had both simply gone kaboom from explosive diarrhea. Even Madame Pomfrey hadn't been able to save them.

So Malfoy had been alone for a long time, fuming over the fact that Potter had wormed his way out of trouble, even after murdering two students.

A few months after the deaths of his friends, two girls had approached him. They were fifth year Slytherins, a year below him. (But incidentally in some of his classes.) So they had officially replaced Crabbe and Goyle as his too loyal sidekicks. (Fangirls..)

Of course, there was a slight disadvantage in the fact that he no longer had two huge, muscle-bound boys to flank his sides... but hey, it wasn't bad to be seen at almost all times with the only two not-manly girls in his House.

"Where are they...?" He wondered out loud, standing beneath a large tree by the lake. Out of the corner of his eye he could see some third years attempting to lure the squid into eating one of Weasley's Famous Wildfire Whiz-Bangs. It didn't seem too interested as it propelled itself away from the children.

Just as his irritation began to peak, he heard a high-pitched squeal and knew his sidekicks had arrived. His eyes had been closed and when he opened them, one of the girls was laying on the ground at his feet. He assumed that's where the squeal had issued from.

"What... are you doing?" He snapped as she climbed to her feet, helped by her companion.

Cosette, the one who had fallen, looked at Malfoy with huge, watery eyes. "Owww.... I tripped." She said, sniffling. She was short and petite, a quite small in comparison to Malfoy, only reaching the middle of his chest, and she had long, shiny black hair that went halfway down her back in slight waves. Today she wore it two buns with green ribbons to match her tie. Her eyes were gray-blue, and she had a light sprinkling of freckles across her nose. She was intensely cute, and the teachers all let her get away with anything.

Robin shook her head, laughing at Cosette's clumsiness. Robin was tall and slender, perfect build to model for Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. She was just above shoulder height on Malfoy and she had light red hair that fell down below her bottom, perfectly straight at all times, and at the moment it hung loose about her. Her eyes were bright green, greener than those of the famous Potter. She was pretty in the unattainable way that all girls dreamed to be.

They were really quite the pair. Malfoy smiled slightly to himself, pleased that he had the two girls most others envied at his beck and call. "But then..." He thought to himself, watching Robin help clean Cosette off. "I am the most handsome man in the school."

Cosette, who was now completely over her spill, tugged on Malfoy's arm to get his attention. She was looking up at him, cheerful as always. "Hi! We watched the game. You did good!" She said, grinning at him.

Malfoy glared at her. "We lost. Sure- I did make a spectacular catch with the Snitch... but still... the rest of the team lost it."

"Awww, cheer up Draco. You only lost by a few points." Robin said, crossing her arms. "You're still ahead of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff for the Cup. Just hope Gryffindor gets crushed when they play Ravenclaw. It's only the first game you know."

Cosette nodded, still holding onto Malfoy's robes. "Whatcha wanna do?" She said, swinging his arm slightly back and forth.

Malfoy shook her hand off of him and looked at the two girls, frowning. "I don't care- as long as Potter is out of my sight."

"Potter? He's right there." Robin said, pointing behind Malfoy.

Draco spun around and sure enough, Potter was walking around the lake, surrounded by his usual entourage of six or seven people. Of course the Mudblood Granger and Weasley were with him.

Ron waved at Malfoy, laughing. "Nice game, Draco! Better luck next time!" The others laughed disdainfully and they walked off.

"Potter really isn't that bad, Draco." Cosette said, watching them. "He's pretty nice."

"WHAT?!" Malfoy yelled, scaring her. "POTTER ISN'T THAT BAD?! TRAITOR!" He clutched his wand tightly, brandishing it at her.

"Eeeep! You're scary!" Cosette squeaked, dodging behind the tree they had been standing next to and peaking out at Malfoy.

"Come on, leave her alone. She doesn't mean anything." Robin said, acting as the mediator as usual. Her cool temper kept Malfoy from injuring Cosette most of the time.

Malfoy lowered his wand, but Cosette remained behind the tree. Robin sighed, shaking her head. "Watch your mouth, Cosette. He's going to end up killing you one day."

Draco looked at Robin, smirking. "Maybe so. If Potter can get away with killing Crabbe and Goyle, I could get away with offing that girl."

Cosette's lip trembled. "I'm soooooorrrrryyyyyy."

Malfoy glared at her, then stalked up to the castle, the girls following him closely, chattering together.


	2. Double Potions

Disclaimer: Not mine. Blah blah. Fanfic. You know the drill.

The next day, it was double Potions first with Gryffindors. They had been set about the task of creating a Cleaning Solution that would take care of any mess.

Neville Longbottom's potion had simply melted his cauldron once again, and it didn't look as if the potion was going to work to help him clean. Snape was yelling himself hoarse at him, something about alligator teeth.

Malfoy was chuckling quietly, watching the scene. He always enjoyed watching Snape go off on students. Cosette was watching with her hands on her mouth and Robin was surveying the chaos with a straight face. They were in the class because they were advanced students or some bologna like that. Clever at potions. Only fifth years to ever advance to sixth year potions.

Mudblood Granger had stepped forward and poured some of her solution onto the mess and the whole thing had cleared up, and that seemed to anger Snape more. "Twenty points from Gryffindor!" He roared, scaring Hermione back to her stool.

Malfoy laughed loudly at this, earning himself disfavorable looks from the Gryffindors in the room.

Once Snape finished his tirade, he began prowling around the room once more. He complimented Draco on the perfect way he had stewed his Knot Grass. He stopped by Robin's and announced to the class that she was the brightest student he had ever taught, making Hermione scowl.

Lastly, he came to Cosette. Everyone knew she had a huge crush on Snape, including Snape himself. Her adoration had quickly earned herself the position of his favorite student. She smiled up at the Potions Master, greeting him. "Hello, sir." She said sweetly, earning herself a rare smile. He nodded at her potion, saying it was satisfactory and patted her head before walking off.

Malfoy glared at Robin and Cosette who were giggling together. "What is wrong with you two?" He asked, dripping a few drops of corn snake blood into his potion carelessly. Unfortunately, he put several drops too many and a cloud of salmon pink smoke engulfed that side of the classroom.

Snape cleared the mess and assured Malfoy that it was a simple mistake and that he would not take points off. Malfoy smirked at the Gryffindors who were all glaring at him. He knew if they'd done something like that, they'd have received zeros for the day.

Robin and Cosette were watching Malfoy, waiting to see if he was angry. On the contrary, he was pleased to have received full marks for the days work and didn't even have to brew the rest of his potion. Instead he went and stood between Robin and Cosette, watching them work.

Easily bored, as always, Malfoy pointed his wand at Hermione's hair and whispered, "_Incendi_o..."

FWOOOOOSH! Malfoy doubled over laughing, watching the Mudblood run about the dungeon, screaming. Robin and Cosette laughed too, enjoying the havoc.

Cosette perked up suddenly and looked at Robin. She whispered something into the redhead's ear and both of them started giggling in a slightly sneaky-plot-making way.

Malfoy tore his eyes away from Hermione's burning head and looked at his friends. "What are you two laughing about?" He asked waspishly, disliking them taking attention away from his antics.

Out of the corner of his gray eyes he watched Harry and Ron chasing Hermione, trying to quell the flames.

Robin leaned over and whispered into his ear and his eyes grew wide. "Are you two serious? We could get expelled, you know Dumbledore would love a reason to chuck me out... he loves that stupid Potter though."

At this point, Pansy, a fellow slytherin walked up to Malfoy, her large frame blocking Cosette and Robin from his view. "Hiya Draco! Want some jello?" She held out a container of olive-green goo with what looked like lizard bits in it.

"Ugh. No." He said, his lips curling up in disgust. She had been trying to draw his attention back to him ever since he had met the two girls, but she was failing miserably.

He looked at Cosette and Robin, who were now doubled over in silent hilarity on Pansy's behalf and he scowled at her. "Haven't I told you enough times to leave me alone?!"

Tears welled up in Pansy's eyes. "Jell...o?" She wiggled the gelatinous substance woefully.

"Hell no!"

Pansy walked off, her square shoulders sagging.

Malfoy shook his head and rolled his eyes at Robin. She laughed and pointed her wand at Pansy's jello, making it explode. "Jell-o... hell no! It RHYMES!"

Cosette laughed and Snape looked at them. "Now, you three. No more fooling around today." That was all he said about their hair burning, jell-o 'sploding adventures.


	3. The Happy Couple

Disclaimer: Uh huh. Fanfic. Yeah. Read!

After the class, Robin, Cosette, and Malfoy wandered down to the Great Hall for lunch and seated themselves at the table.

"Cosette, get me a drink." Malfoy commanded lazily, stretching his arms up. "Robin, tell me more about this little scheme."

While the tiny dark-haired girl poured a goblet of pumpkin juice for her friend, Robin began to talk. "Well... we all know that Cosette seriously has the hots for Snape. But... Snape is old. So... we're going to remedy the situation."  
Malfoy raised a blond eyebrow. "And... you say you're going to give him a potion?"

Robin nodded, brushing some hairs out of her face. "We're going to slip him a large amount of Monsieur Plarno's Patented Youth Reviving Serum. Except we're going to add a bit to it... Cosette and I have been researching some stuff. We've found the ingredients to change Plarno's simple cosmetic potion into an irreversible age-reversing potion. We've just go to slip him enough to reduce him to our age."

Malfoy shook his head. "That... is insane. Utterly and totally insane. And what is the point of this?"

Cosette giggled rather violently, spilling some pumpkin juice as she was pouring a glass for Robin. "Well, I can't very well be chasing around a man of his age can I? I need him to be a teeny tiny bit younger."

Robin nodded. "Quite simple. And you know we'll get away with it. I mean... look at her. How could Snape be angry?" She pointed at Cosette, who, knowing her cues, smiled and closed her eyes, wrinkling her nose slightly. She was indeed adorable.

Malfoy laughed at her and crossed his arms. "Alright. I'm game. So, has anyone put any thought into our Weekly Annoy the Gryffindors Campaign? We skipped last week. For shame, for shame." He clucked his tongue twice in a reprimanding manner.  
Robin waved her arms around. "Oh! Oh! I know the password to the Gryffindor Common room. That must count for something... yes?"

Malfoy rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm... if I had a goatee, this would look much cooler. Or maybe a Soooooul Patch." He thought, putting some flair on the word soul. He dismissed his thoughts of facial hair, and turned his attention once more the Robin, who was watching him expectantly.

"Yes... the password... most helpful. You're a good lackey, you know that? Crabbe and Goyle were too stupid to find out anything useful." He was saddened for a moment at the thought of his lost friends, so he closed his eyes in memoriam.

"Uhm... Draco?" Cosette said, leaning forward, pointing one finger in Malfoy's face. "Are you alright? You have a little bit of something dripping out of your nose."

"WHAT?!" Malfoy quickly wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve, attempting to maintain some dignity. "Er... it was nothing. You imagined it. There was nothing there."

"Are you sure?" Robin asked, raising one red eyebrow. "You were talking about your old friends... so maybe you were feeling a little angsty? You know when wizards feel angsty, they tend to snot a bit."

Malfoy glared at her. "SHUT UP. THERE WAS NOTHING COMING OUT OF MY NOSTRILS. LEAVE MY ORIFICES ALONE. They're the sexiest orifices in Great Britain, they are."

Cosette and Robin nodded, not daring to defy his ego.

"Okay... so... the password. What is it?" Malfoy asked, looking expectantly at Robin. "Oh, do tell. The... antici...pation... is killing me." (Didja catch the Rocky Horror Picture Reference there???)

"Garbanzo." Robin said, with a flourish of her hands. "I got it from Colin Creevey after I promised to get him a lock of Harry's hair." She giggled to herself. "Harry hair. Hahahaha. I mean... er... So, what're we gunna do?¿"

Cosette perked up. "HAVING A THOUGHT!" She said, pointing at her temple with two fingers. "Oh... lost it... OH WAIT! We can steal all the Gryffindors furniture!"

Malfoy sighed. "That's a boneheaded plan, you moron." He grumbled, hitting her on top of her head with his fist.

"Ow..." She pouted, tears welling up in her eyes. Her lips trembled and a loud wail burst forth, causing everyone in the room to look at her.

Because of her innate cuteness, a crowd of people surrounded her instantly, all of them trying to comfort her.

Two large Ravenclaw boys glared at Malfoy. "Why'd you make her cry, you git?" One of them asked, stepping forward menacingly.

Malfoy "Harumphed." In reply, but said nothing else. He glared at Cosette and she snuffled back her tears, waving the people away from her. "I'm okey..." She said, still pouting.

Professor Severus Snape had approached the scene, making the crowd comprised of different houses disperse. "What's going on here?" He said in his deep, slightly evil voice.

"Nothing, sir." Cosette said, cheerful once more. She stood and clasped her hands behind her back, bouncing on her toes.

(Excuse this break in the story, I feel it necessary to give character stats now.

Robin:

Height: 5'8"/Weight: 140 lbs./Eyes: Green/Hair: Red/Birthday:July 19th/Bloodtype:B-/Age:15

Cosette:

Height: 5'2"/Weight: 103 lbs./Eyes:Grey-blue/Hair: Black/Birthday: November 30th/Bloodtype:A/Age:15

Malfoy:

Height: 6'2" (he's TALL!)/Weight: Refuses to reveal/Eyes: Grey/Hair: Blond/Birthday: Dunno, we're saying August 18/Bloodtype: Pure/Age: 16

Severus Snape:

Height: 6'5" (he's REALLY TALL! Mmmmm...)/Weight: 170/Eyes: Black/Hair: Black/Birthday: Dunno, we're saying December 7/Bloodtype: O

Okey, back to the story)

Snape looked at Malfoy, his brow furrowing in a furry manner.  
"Why can't you be more like Potter and Weasley, here?"

Potter and Weasley had just shown up, arm-in-arm, snuggling. They had come out of the closet at the end of the previous year in a shower of rainbows and ribbons, and now were quite frequently seen snogging on the quidditch pitch. During games.

"Wait. WHAT am I SAYING?!" Snape shouted, smacking himself across the face with enough force to take down even the mightiest of ... trolls. (Even the red-haired little ones. Eep!) "If I EVER say ANYTHING like that again... you have my personal permission to curse me with the Flaming Arse Of Doom curse."

(more chapters to come... later. )


	4. Peebling Thievery

WHOA! This is still a fanfic. I don't own any of them. Except Cosette, Robin, and those people. But the others are JK Rowling's babies… BABIES! …I'm not changing any diapers.

The next day- Malfoy, Robin, and Cosette snuck into the Gryffindor common room, having stolen out of History of Magic (once again some writing fanfic rubbish about advanced intelligence), claiming to be suffering extreme corns on their feet, from a spell they didn't want to talk about.

Professor Binns felt it in his best interest not to ask. He had a lunch that he had eaten many years ago, that he would prefer not to send up through his ghostly organs.

Hey.

Ghost's throw up too. Shut up.

Anyways, so they were flitting amongst the garbage-y, nasty, family-oriented, and wholesome din that was the Gryffindor tower.

Cosette was jumping on a tattered couch, laughing hysterically, blissfully unaware of her companions' stares.

"MWAHAHAHHA :Snort: BWEHEHEHEHEHEHE WHOOOOA" She squeaqled, flopping onto her butt and rolling onto the floor, proceeding to roll all over the place like a hotdog gone mad, up-ending random objects.

These objects included: Two tables, a pile of spell books, a cat, a chair and-

"Hey." Malfoy interrupted her rolling, looking supremely perplexed. "What in the bloody hell is a squeagle?"

Robin picked Cosette up, standing her on her feet, and answered in an almost… too prompt fashion. "A squeagle is the sound Cosette makes when she has a bit too much wizarding hubbub floating around in her cerebral…thingy."

Malfoy, pretending he hadn't heard that answer, turned around and started snooping in a most dodgy like manner to find something to irritate the Gryffindors into a state of _advanced_ irritation.

"Duh-Ray-Cow!" Cosette screamed at the top of her lungs, jumping on him. "What, what, what what whatwhatwhatwhatawwhasdhasdaahwhahhhaahahthhttthhh!"

"SNAP OUT OF IT!" He screamed back, matching her tit for tat.

"Oh."

"Well?"

"What are we going to do if we get caught? ARE THEY GOING TO THROW US IN THE BIGHOU-" She meandered off before finishing her thought, approaching the fireplace with an apparently purposeful air.

"AH-HA! I have discovered…" She began suspensfully….

Robin straightened from her examination of a particularly interesting drawing of Professor Trelawney, and hurried over hurriedly. "What's going on! Hurry! I must know."

Draco sighed with intensely sensual annoyance. Cosette and Robin oohed and aahed. If Draco could be making a face right now for you to see it would be --;;.

"ANYWAYS!" Robin said in a commanding tone. "I demand to be told what you have discovered."

Cosette, in a most conspiratorial manner, lifted up a battered piece of parchment, covered in little moving dots. "A MAP OF HOGWARTS WRITTEN BY HARRY POTTER'S FATHER, WHICH GAVE THE WEASLEY TWINS THEIR AMAZING SUCCESS AS LAWBREAKERS AND ONCE INSULTED SNAPE! I SHALL DESTROY IT!" She started to toss it into the fire, but Robin caught her arm.

"… You know, I'm not even going to ask about the exactness of your discovery, but don't throw that map away. We could use it." She said, fighting the urge to bellow.

She had that urge sometimes. To just go "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" at everyone surrounding her.

But she rarely allowed those urges to control her. And when she did- it was usually directed at a small boy named Ervin of Hufflepuff. He cried every time, the little wiener.

Robin laughed. "Weiner."

Cosette shook the battered-torn-grungy-other descriptive words- map angrily. "But it INSULTED MY LOVELY EL SNAH-PEY!"

Draco snatched the map from her hands. "SILENCE!"

And there was silence.

For several minutes.

Until everyone got bored.

"Well. Onwards and upwards, like Aunt Carmikle used to say." Draco said, strolling out of the common room, the map in his hands.

He was pretty sure it would annoy Harry at least, to have his relic stolen from him.

"You have an aunt Carmikle? What a world." Robin said.

"You do too?" Cosette peebled incredulously.

"No."

"Stop making up verbs!" Draco said threateningly, waving around his new wand. It was short and squat. Like a stunted cactus without spikes, but with the colorful little aloe producing flower on the very tip. (It was his secret for his beautiful skin.)

"Sorry." Cosette said meekly, scurrying throughout the door in a thoroughly conventionally worded manner.


End file.
